Don't Kill Me, I Know Someone in Gensokyo
by hanafuda
Summary: A vignette. America and Liechtenstein walked into an abandoned shrine near and into a nightmare, er, an unknown place. I cleaned the story up on 5/26/2017, but the Geiger counter still shows 9001 cps and the Crack meter is still broken. And the St. Paul quote is staying. :3
1. I

"Why can't your brother go with you?"

"He would never let me."

"I mean, you don't have to go inside…"

"And you don't need to watch scary movies, right?"

Liechtenstein's sweet voice was slightly annoying America.

"Ahahahaha, good one."

Japan once said that there were a lot of weird things going on in that shrine, not least of which a randomly appearing chest full of diamonds. Liechtenstein had the crazy thought that if she could get ahold of those diamonds, she could help support her brother, who was always acting a scrooge. She also wanted to go out in the world, and explore. And here was her chance. Her brother didn't really teach her about fear, since he kept anything scary away from her. Near death during the Depression was probably scary enough. And America happened to be visiting Japan as well, so the timing was 91.92% perfect. Or something.

"Okay, I'll come with you. It's just a shrine, it's probably not scary anyway."

"Okay…"

Liechtenstein had on her military uniform and kept a Swiss Army knife and Luger in her pockets "just because." America went all out, bringing along an M1 Garand and Beretta 98 "for no reason."

"Yep. Not scared at all."

They made their way back to the shrine. And their faces most certainly showed no signs of fear

She grabbed his hand. And it was kind of awkward. But America barely noticed as they inched inside. Trapdoor! WHOA. They narrowly avoided falling into the abyss below and stepped over. The shrine truly was small, and in the middle of the room a golden chest levitated. America and Liechtenstein's eyes widened as they gazed on. Liechtenstein inched forward, but America held her back with his arm.

"Wait. If I learned anything about these kinds of places it's that's the path to the treasure is always booby-trapped. Let me lead the way."

America surveyed the floor.

"Don't step on the square tiles, first of all."

They then treaded slowly across the floor whose tiles were various shapes arranged randomly, as if by a three-year old.

Or a five hundred-year old.

Glossing over that, they managed to make their way into the middle of the room where the chest was sitting, er, levitating. So they tried to open it. And when they did, a hand grabbed Liechtenstein by the shoulder and pulled her in.

"Oh crap-" America tried to pull her back but got sucked in as well. Then the chest closed and was shrouded in darkness.

Oh, yeah, that sweet darkness.


	2. can

"Oof..." America woke up with a face full of mud and leaves. He spit out maple leaf. Suspicious... Liechtenstein was lying on her back next to him.

"Psst. Wake up."

 _How many times do I have to wake up girls?_ he thought. She awoke by herself and looked at America. America was looking around him, wondering where they had ended up this time. He heard a female laugh in the distance and checked his inventory. All is well.

"Wow! I can't believe my trap worked! Phew... and I was getting hungry."

America double took to see a blonde girl standing, er, levitating nearby.

"I can't believe I got two... wait 'til everyone hears I bagged two outsiders..."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing. Come closer for a moment."

"Ha! You think I'm dumb, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. After all, you're just a human."

"But so are you."

"No I'm not."

"You're not?"

"Have you ever seen a human with a large cloud of darkness surrounding them?"

"Russia..."

"Huh?"

"And we're countries, not humans... long story."

"Well, I'm a youkai, not a human... long story."

* * *

"Have any of you seen Liechtenstein?" Damn, Switzerland asked a question for once.

"Eh, no."

"Liechtenstein? I do not believe I've seen her." Japan sipped some tea. "It's surprising, though, that America isn't here... He's always excited about visiting my country, finding it quirky and weird and awesome at the same time..."

"Hey. I'm the awesome one. Now if only Russia would give me Koenigsberg back."

"It's Kaliningrad, you bitch."

"It shouldn't be!" Prussia steamed up.

"America..." Switzerland thought for a moment. "Mein Gott, he's taken her! We need to find her now!" He pulled out a UMP and rushed for the door.

* * *

America and Liechtenstein were now taking cover behind trees in the forest as Rumia sprayed bullets at them. Well, they looked more like circle and oval spots of light, but they sure did hurt a lot, as America learned the hard way. He peeked around the tree, spotting a large circle of darkness. When it disappeared Rumia began "shooting" again.

"What do we do now?"

"Well, you've gotta take after Joan of Arc and go out in a blaze of fury! Just back me up!"

"Provide covering fire?"

"Y-yeah. Switzy taught you how to fire that thing, right?"

"Uh... no."

Again with the annoying innocent voice. America facepalmed.

"Well, just watch me."

When the spray stopped momentarily, America peeked out from behind the tree again. Nothing was there, not even the ball of darkness. He pulled out his 98 and made sure it was locked and loaded.

He spotted the youkai from the right and pulled Liechtenstein behind a boulder.

 **"It's not just a boulder! (crying) It's a rock! A rock! A rock!"**

The two humans had no idea what that voice was, but they got behind the... rock, and Rumia began shooting again. If everyone in this place was like this, they'd surely be far past screwed.

"Watch and learn," America said as the spray continued.

"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!" America aimed the 98 and fired as Liechtenstein's blank eyes watched. The youkai was pelted but didn't seem to respond. "NBD," America muttered under his breath as he reloaded and dodged the occasional bullet. Rumia was pacing left and right like a crab now, toying with the human. America ducked behind the rock.

"Understand? It's easy!"

 **"Classic American comment!"**

said a different voice. Liechtenstein nodded, but at which statement we know not. Who's we? We. The Borg, maybe. Nah.

She pulled back on her Luger and poked her head up straight into a bullet. She was knocked back a record 10 feet. America gasped and ran into the line of fire to pull her away. They hid behind some bushed while America surveyed the damage. None visible, but Liechtenstein was feeling cold.

Where was everyone else?

America loaded his M1 and was prepared to leave with flying colors. That wouldn't have really helped, but there he was, jumping over the bushes and firing at nothing. Rumia appeared behind him and screamed, "Darkness Sign! Dark Side of the Moon!"

America turned around and unleashed the wrath of his M1 into the girl's face. The card failed, somehow, and she was knocked back. The M1 cartridge made a "plink" sound as it flew out of the top of the rifle, so he took out his 98 again and "finished [her] off." She exploded, or something, and disappeared. He ran back to where Liechtenstein was lying and picked her up. He'd have to move through the forest now and find some help.


	3. do

America walked slowly through the forest, keeping his eyes and ears peeled for any sound or object. He coughed as spores danced around. There was barely any light shining through. Liechtenstein woke up again, and America stood her up.

"What happened?"

"You failed, but I went hero and took out that... person."

"That person" was sat, er, lying on the grass, trying to recover.

"Where are we?"

"The entrance of nowhere."

Civilization!

"Hey! What's up, people!"

"Oh boy, two more fellows!"

"We haven't seen people like you in a long time... How did you get here?"

"It's a long story..." It really wasn't, but the transition went on.

"YOU defeated a youkai? How?!"

"With this!" America pulled out his M1, taking the humans aback.

"Is... that a rifle?"

"Yeah, best one yet! I even got it signed by Germany, Italy, Japan, Korea, and Vietnam!"

"O-OK... Well, what matters is that you're safe here now. You'll see youkai roaming around like that all the time. Few, if any (like you and us) survive an attack."

America was reminded of the Swiss philosophy:

 _No trespassing_

 _Violators will be shot_

 _Survivors will be shot again_

 _I have a Peace Prize_

 _Dammit_

"It's going to be a chore for you two to get back outside."

"Right, how will we go about doing that?"

"Well, _Bunbunmaru_ told us that there have been problems with the barrier lately, so they're not trying to get anything to leave. Not that they usually do, anyway, but we're worried that something might be... trying to... force its way in. Oh my. That may have been you guys!"

"Not likely, they said they only got here a few hours ago."

"Maybe they're looking for us, America."

"I hope not. I can't imagine what Switzy will do to us if he is on the search, too."

"I think we're all occupied at the moment (we don't get a lot of people, as I've stressed), so maybe we can borrow some supplies to build you something to live in for now."

"Uh, are you going to spill the beans to the people living around here?"

"No, do not worry. They're mostly only interested for us for information from the Outside World, or for eating any one of us who gets lost."

"Outside World?" Liechtenstein asked, America having run off to some warehouse somewhere. "Is that what they call Earth?"

"It's a long story..."

Story time transition.

Nighttime had fallen, and Liechtenstein had found America...

... resting from building a large tower.

"You built a sniper tower?"

"Ah, it's so much more than that! I dug a huge bunker underground for us to sleep in, and it's nearly impossible to break in. And as you can clearly see, there's plenty of room at the deck to overlook this place. I see this mountain and some trees far away... and there seems to be light coming from a space in the trees. Probably not a problem. Even better, I managed to use some parts from Earth to make floodlights as well! This village needed some light, anyways. We can customize the setting however we want. However, the drawback (not really) is that we've gotta take shifts manning the tower at night (there's plenty of visibility here in the daytime). So I developed a schedule."

 _Am night to 10 PM_

 _Lie 10 PM to 12 AM_

 _Am 12 AM to 4 AM_

 _Lie 4 AM to 6 AM_

 _Am 6 AM till night_

"Thing is, they didn't really need any of the electrical parts they had stored in the warehouse, so... I used all of them. I began making some more ammo for our guns, but other than that... it seems we just have our wits about us-"

"You don't think you're being overprotective?"

"Funny you say that, because that would be your brother, who's clearly brainwashed you thus. Anyways, guess it's time for my shift. I've skipped sleep so much I intrinsically know what time it is..."

"Good night, America."

"See you whenever, Liechtenstein!" _Wait... maybe time is different here... ah, who cares?_

America set the floodlights to medium level and moving forward and backwards to scan for enemies.

Some things never change.


	4. all

Spacey Sakuya came to the Human Village often to shop. Maybe she could make the place bigger. The large, gaping sniper lower with lights bearing down on the village went unnoticed. It seemed that a lot of people were still awake at this time, the torches still burning and people still walking in and around. Within the space of a day they had managed to get used to America and Liechtenstein standing in the sniper tower through the night.

"Hey! You! Hurry up and get back over here!" America screamed as he spotted Sakuya without difficulty.

"Eh?"

"You heard me! Get back over here! There's youkai stirring, surely! (Whatever those may be.)"

"I know, but may I ask what you are doing up there with all those lights beaming down upon the village?"

"And I'm asking what you're doing outside!"

"I don't live here, if that's what you're asking. I'm just a maid at the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

No shit, America thought. Scarlet Devil… sounds evil!

"I'm going to need you to join me at the embassy real quick."

Right, much to some people's chagrin, America had built a small building nearby that acted as the American embassy in Gensokyo, with an even smaller building nearby acting as the Liechtenstein embassy.

"What is this Scarlet Devil Mansion?"

"It's where my boss, Remilia Scarlet, lives."

"And who is this Remilia?"

"She's a short girl, but she's very old. Did I mention she was a vampire?"

"VAMPIRE?"

"Yeah, but she does not drink human blood. Most of these days she just has some tea and a chat with Reimu."

"Reimu?"

"You do not know who Reimu is?"

Maybe he should have paid attention to the village woman's speech.

"She is a shrine maiden who guards Hakurei Shrine where the Great Hakurei Barrier is. That is the barrier between Gensokyo and the Outside World. It is under maintenance right now…"

"I see. Well, you don't seem suspicious, so I'll let you through."

"Thank you, even though this wasn't really necessary. Everyone around here knows me."

"OK then."

2 AM now, and America was still awake and keeping watch. He spotted a mysterious girl walking by. Her name was Yukari.

"Hey! Are you a human?"

"No, I'm just shopping."

"How coincidental. What might you be?"

"Well, how rude you are! Everyone around here knows me as one of leading youkai!"

The sound of kai caused America to take up his M1.

"What business do you have here?"

"I should be asking you that, you rude human! I already said I was just shopping!"

"For what? Human flesh? BITE ME!"

He moved his finger onto the trigger and popped off all 8 shots at Yukari. She dodged its and America's bullets - the "plink" followed - and landed in the deck of the tower. How this didn't wake Liechtenstein up was a mystery.

"Listen, creep," Yukari annunciated. "You're lucky I'm sparing you and that I didn't find you wandering out in the forest." She poked America's chest. "Then I would have simply grabbed you and stuffed you into my mouth."

"Please. I already met a youkai in the forest and survived."

"YOU?" She laughed.

"Yeah. She had the power to shroud her self in darkness, or something."

"Rumia? Ah… I see. She isn't very strong, much less strong-willed."

"I guess that's true."

"So would you leave me alone now?"

"Yes, I promise."

She floated down. The humans greeted her kindly, as though she were a regular. And she was, so hey. Yeh. Anagram.

Meanwhile, in the bookstore, Yukari whispered into Sakuya's ear.

"Hey, you saw that weird man outside in a large tower, right?"

"Yeah."

"I think he's sort of obstructing our only path in, as you could surely tell. So… could you, maybe, push it back into the forest a little? Please?"

A slightly pressured Sakuya replied, "OK, I'll see."

* * *

4 AM came, and America had stepped down into the bunker to wake Liechtenstein up for her shift. Meanwhile, Sakuya increased the space between the agreed boundaries of the village and the sniper tower and embassy complex. Now the sniper tower was technically no longer in the village. Liechtenstein appeared in the deck of the sniper tower, unassuming as usual.

She saw a red-haired girl approach in the distance.

"Hello! You there, would you please halt?"

This innocent, high voice took Meiling by surprise. "I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, I need to identify whether or not you are a human or a youkai. Or something. Ja."

"Uh, do you work in the village or something?"

"Yes, my job is to protect it from enemies of the people."

"Ha, OK."

Yukari appeared and was... visibly surprised. "Meiling? Why aren't you at your post?"

"It was either checking out the shops in the village for once or playing with Flandre. What would you have chosen?"

"... anyways... that girl is trying to exterminate us! Take her out, please."

"What?"

"Do you see that huge gun in her hands?"

"Yes..."

Hong turned back to the sniper tower as Yukari disappeared. She yelled, "Colorful Rain!" Liechtenstein didn't know what that meant, or whether that was what she meant to say… but what mattered is that she was now being sprayed with bullets left, right, and center. She ducked behind some sandbags. When the initial spray stopped she pressed the Panic! button, rudely awakening America by the sound of France as a coo-coo clock. Then she spotted Meiling, floating around, and began firing. This sound jolted America into reality, and he sprang for the M1 and rushed upstairs.

"Who we shooting at?"

"Some red-haired youkai! She's attacking us!"

"Holy crap! The sniper tower got moved away from the village!"

"Huh? So that's why -"

Bullets sprayed again.

"Why does this always happen to me?" America asked as he ducked behind sandbags. He stood up and fired away from the rifle. Suddenly Meiling appeared on the deck, and he narrowly avoided some kicks. He ducked left and right like a boxer as he popped off shots, trying to avoid the martial arts master. She decided to go for Liechtenstein, knocking her over, then moving back to America. Then a girl came flying at them, Meiling stopped, the bullets stopped, and the chastisement began.


	5. things

"What the hell do you two think you're doing? You're disturbing the peace!"

"Reimu! I'm so sorry!"

"That's Hakurei to you!"

"We disturb not, but protect the peace here, ma'am. Somehow our sniper tower and embassies got moved outside the boundaries of the village, provoking this youkai to attack us.

"Meiling, how could you?"

"Yukari told me to."

"I'll deal with you later." She turned to America. "I've never seen you around here before. How did you get here?"

America told her the story.

"I see… what makes you think you can build this stuff around here and not expect some protest?"

"... Oh... okay. ..." He looked over her over for a second and came to a conlcusion: "So you're the Hakurei Shrine maiden… or something."

"Yeah, and who are you?"

"I'm America."

"I'm Liechtenstein..."

"Weird names... well... you don't seem to be causing trouble on purpose, so I'll let you two off to your... game, or idea of one, or..."

"Yeah, and will you keep the youkai out of our business too?"

"I'll try."

"Right. Thanks."

Reimu left.

 _Bunbunmaru_ came off the presses.

 **Crazy People Shoot at Popular Yōkai Chūgoku**

Yesterday, two humans who recently arrived in Gensokyo caused trouble when they, without provocation, began firing upon Hong Meiling (called China). Naturally, a slightly annoyed but also somehow simultaneously calm Reimu came to the rescue, told everyone off (politely, no less), ate, slept, and had a good day.

"They called us humans again..."


	6. through

"… this sniper tower isn't really working out, is it, America?"

"No… it almost doesn't need to exist. And I think we've come to the conclusion that guns don't work in this world. What a shame."

The villagers gathered around the tower.

"Hear that? Guns are not our best idea. Even the author is crying, but at least he can clear his chest and work his way back to negative shame. Whatever that might be."

"Right, and we want you two not to worry. The youkai haven't attacked us since the whole contract had been signed."

"So what should we do now? Who should we look to for protection against rogues?" Liechtenstein scratched her head.

"McAfee?" America wondered.

"No, not those kinds of rogues." Switzerland seemingly was never successfully attacked by malware or foreign hacks, and therefore neither was Liechtenstein.

"Jesus!"

"That's a start! We just gotta pray that this village doesn't get messed with!"

"That makes sense."

"We're mostly Buddhist, though... or Shintoist or Taoist... or all three."

"Oh, neat." He turned back to Liechtenstein. "So maybe we just need some rules, for some reason."

 _Don't kill the fellows_

 _Retaliate if and when attacked_

 _Embassies are peaceful zones_

 _Violators will be shot_

 _Survivors will be shot again_

 _More rules to be added soon_

 _Don't make this Animal Farm_

"Are we clear?"

"Probably."

As the villagers dispersed into one another's homes and shops, a dark shroud appeared. America watched as it floated over the deck.

"Oh, it's you guys again. What do you think you're doing here?"

"To be honest, I don't know anymore." _There sure are a lot of youkai that come around here. It's suspicious._

"Humph." She left.

"America, when do you think we'll be able to escape this place?"

"I don't know. We have to, but it may take a while. They say they're repairing the border or something. We will have to ask around. Didn't that shrine maiden say something about it?"

"They said she guarded Hakurei Shrine where the border is. They even said most of their stuff is what manages to fall through from our world."

* * *

"It's always at night, isn't it! Every time I manage to clean up this place, more random things fall through. *sigh* I wish we could just block out the Outside World completely… it is so peaceful here…"

Reimu trudged through the piles of Earth antiques - bikes, books, paper, a Betamax player, a 1976 phone…

* * *

"Are you sure we're in the right place?" Prussia huffed and crossed his arms.

"Of course we are."

"And how do you know that?"

"I can't tell you more than hacking into America's computer was rather easy." Switzerland shrugged.

"So they went into this shrine and never came out?"

"Pretty much. And if they aren't dead, I'll have to take out America myself."

When they entered the shrine they got pushed to the floor by piles of bikes, books, paper, a DVD player, a Windows Phone…

"Who's there?"

"Oof…" Prussia appeared from the piles of Earthly objects.

"Who are you?"

"What? Everyone knows me! I'm awesome, but you know that, right?"

"Oh, boy. More and more people are falling through the border with their stuff…"

Switzerland appeared and aimed his gun. "Where's Liechtenstein?"

"... that name sounds familiar..."

"Don't play stupid with me!"

"If you're talking about the two people who fell through yesterday…"

 _Two people. Definitely America here too._

"Do you have any beer in this place?"

"I think we have sake."

"Good enough for me."


	7. Christ

Switzy barged into the bunker.

"Liechtenstein!"

"Big brother! How'd you get here?"

"That run-down shrine!"

"Hey! It's not run-down!"

"It is on the other side. AMERICA!"

"Yeah, man?"

"What the hell, man? What were you thinking dragging my sister down here?"

"Wasn't my idea, dude. She wanted to go into the shrine."

"Didn't I tell you about not going into scary places?"

"But I had America to protect me!"

"Why did you go in there?"

"Because Japan told me about it, and... well, America told me treating me like this, the way you do, was 'stretching' it a bit..."

"Well, I can't really be mad at you… but America - where'd he go?"

Just outside.

"Wow, you made this tower by yourself?"

"And the embassies."

"I didn't realize you were so awesome at constructing stuff, and speedy to boot! Maybe you can help me infiltrate Kaliningrad and build stuff there to take it back from Russia."

"If we get back."

Prussia sipped the sake and looked at it funny.

"This… is… AWESOME! Not as awesome as beer or me, but pretty awesome! So this is Japanese alcohol?"

"Yeah, I thought it was OK. Still prefer my Lite. Or if you want something Japanese, think Sapporo." America chuckled.

"America! Get your arse over here so I can beat it with my Peace Prize!"

"Oh hey Switzy! How'd you get here?"

"Same way as you did. How could you stress me out like this?"

* * *

"So despite that, we're now trying to tour the place! Some maid said something about a, Scarlet Devil Mansion or something… sounds interesting!"

"Sounds dangerous!"

"Well holy crap, not surprised to hear that, Switzy!"

"Will you stop calling me that before I bring out my army knife? I have many options for slitting your wrists or throat! Imagine your obituary… America: stabbed to death with can opener."

America laughed, half-humored and half-scared.


	8. who

"So a bunch of new humans have arrived."

"It seems that way."

"And they have this tower they stay in to watch over the Human Village and Forest of Magic..."

"Yep."

"How about you invite them over for tea?"

"OK!"

Sakuya walked to the village, whose boundaries were now larger in order to incorporate the sniper tower and five embassies with flags flying high above them. She walked to said tower where Prussia was standing. Using just some wood, some metal, and his imagination, he managed to make a decent-looking MG-42. He stared on as Sakuya climbed the ladder to the tower deck.

"Will you please meet me and the others in the conference room?"

"That's very random of you, but sure. HEY, BUTT-NUTS!" Prussia turned to the shelter beneath the tower. "LET'S GO TO WORK!"

"To the left~"

They met in the small conference room in the now larger bunker.

"Man, if only I liked tea! You know, coffee is an acquired taste, so I can't bother myself with that."

"That's ok. One of the villagers taught us how to make coffee."

"So are you sure this vampire isn't tricking us?"

"Of course. I've lived with her for years. Some time ago she caused an incident where everything was dark and red, but since then she's calmed down and mostly stayed out of the way."

"All right then. I guess we'll have to say hello."

"Make sure there's plenty of sake!"

"Right."

* * *

Sakuya and the countries passed by a napping Meiling.

"Wow, she looks cute when she's sleeping..." America commented before Prussia snickered and elbowed him in the chest. "I will hold that over your head until you die."

"Can't wait to watch you wait."

Then a rather awkward scene occurred in which everyone sat around, quietly sipping tea, America chugging coffee, and little conversation between them and short Remilia. She led them, uninvited, into a large observatory filled with shelves of books. A book called _Fairy Tail Fanfiction Archive, Volume 1_ caught Switzerland's eye. _Ridiculous..._

"Why'd you let humans in here… they always want to check out these books and usually don't return them…"

"Well, you never really read them yourself…"

"But it's a matter of principle."

"Man, there ain't half this number of books in the Library of Congress! Everything is digital now!"

"Why do you have a huge encyclopedia on different types of alcoholic beverages?"

"Stuff that lands in the shrine like you did, apparently."

"So what are you reading?"

"Some book called _Twilight._ I think it's all right, so far."

America began laughing madly. He heard an ominous "do… re… mi…" beneath him.

"Uh, who's that? Another ghost?"

"No, that's just Flandre."

"I've heard that name before... I imagine there's a good reason we haven't seen here."

"Yes. We keep her locked in there so that she does not wreak havoc. She must be more than five hundred now, but still has the mind of a small child."

"Ah." Another Japanese game series came to mind.

"Do you want to open that and see for yourself?"

"Maybe later."

* * *

"Geeshus, this place sure is huge!"

"Blame Sakuya for that, she has that weird power."

"We noticed."

"So why did you really bring us here, Ms. Scarlet?"

"Humans fascinate me."

"Is that so…"

Well that happened. And now…

* * *

"Are you kidding me?"

"Probably not."

 _Bunbunmaru Newspaper_

 **More Humans Pile Through Border**

Three new humans appeared… identify as Russia, China, and Italy…


	9. strengthens

"Was that really U.N Owen under the floor?"

"I thought it was Ronald McDonald."

"Shush, the true fans can hear you!" Reimu's voice interrupted the countries' conversation.

"Really, how do you people keep falling through?"

Russia spoke up. "Well, yesterday I went with Estonia to my big sister's house to collect the electrical bill when I noticed she had painted her door white. I knocked, and no one answered, so I assumed she was hiding from me again. I noticed the door was unlocked, and when I stepped in, there was no floor. I remember falling allllll the way down, Estonia freaked out and ran away, then I landed in a pile of Orwell novels."

China replied. "Yes, I heard Estonia screaming 'Bloody murder!' I thought he was simply streaking and went about my business. I noticed that someone had painted the door to the Great Hall of the People in white, and assumed it was just a vandal using bird shit when the door opened and sucked me in. Then I landed in a pile of copies of _The Art of War_."

Italy spoke. "Do you have pasta here?"

Reimu sighed. This is getting so annoying...

"You better not cause any trouble out here, OK?"

"OK, scary signora!"

* * *

Seamless transition is quite seamless.

After about two weeks and hundreds of shift changes in the tower and machine gun, Reimu showed up again, this time with Marisa.

"Okay! So, the, uh, border maintenance is complete… but, uh, there's a bit of a problem.

We found a piece of papyrus with Yuyuko's handwriting on it, and Patchouli translated it from Serbian. It said, '5 pass but 2 play with FS first.' So two of you have to play with FS, or whatever, before you can leave."

"Who's FS?"

"U.N. Owen."

Everyone's eyes widened except Liechtenstein's.

"Who will those people be? Not me, I'm too awesome to die!"

"America and I can go."

"No, Liechtenstein! Someone else can do it!"

"Big brother, I'm growing up. I need to become independent. And besides, America taught me how to use a weapon, though you didn't. And he's been really helpful all this time."

Switzerland couldn't get past her sweet voice which he may/may not have taken the innocence from.

"America, if I see one scratch on her it's your ass I'm hanging on my wall, OK?"

"Bite me, man! I got this by the ass!"

"You all are ass men, aren't you? Hahahaha!"

"We didn't get enough text time!"

"Quit interfering in our internal affairs, Sina!"

China flipped America off.

* * *

"Vodka!"

"Here goes!"

"Because I'm awesome!"

"Stay safe, Liechtenstein! Not you, America."

"PAAASSSTAAAAAAAAA!"

America and Liechtenstein were left behind the now closed portal in Gensokyo.

"Well that was strange. But I guess this entire situation was quite random, right?"

"Ja, I think so too."

"Are you guys sure you can take down Flandre?" Marisa looked at them, seemingly having no faith.

"You have before, haven't you? Besides, I'm America! That alone should warrant a quick surrender."

"Well, I did… but it will certainly take more than that to defeat that crazy girl. Lately she's been getting pissed about all the uncooked humans appearing around her in these stories. She also hates the fourth wall a lot."

"I'm sure a lot of people do." America glanced at the camera. The cameraman gave a thumbs up, as did the boom man, but not before the mic inched into the frame.

"Do you guys even know how to use Spell Cards?"

"What are those?"

"Well, when your opponent uses them, they're essentially shooting a bright array of bullets at you. The more beautiful the pattern, the more deadly 'tis. You just gotta find the best way ta dodge'em."

"Whoa, your way of speaking just changed a little..."

"And when you use them, they pretty much destroy all the bullets currently traveling towards you. They're like bombs."

"I thought they were…"

"Whatever. Are you people sure you've got this?

"Of course we do!"

"I have zero faith in you."

 _Bunbunmaru Newspaper_

 **Idiots from the Outside World to Take on Remilia Scarlet's Demented Sister: Death 92.392% Certain**

"These idiots, who identify as America and Liechtenstein, are planning to work together with the Hakurei Shrine Maiden Reimu and the magician Marisa, as well as use their outside technology, to defeat the insane girl who lives in the basement of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Well, it seems their plan is to get the hell out of here and back into their own world, but they're clearly begging to go to what they call the afterlife, Heaven. Today the deity called God appeared to your writer, Amazing Aya, and told [her] to write a more positive story, but I'm sure the consequences won't be so dire."

After the issues were printed and delivered, God appeared to the crow again.

"Now their chance of survival is 92.392%, with less than 8% chance of death. Remember, salvation comes from me, as does karma, and karma is a bitch."


	10. me, said Saint Paul

_(theme: McRoll'd, naturally)_

"Taboo! Cranberry Trap!"

"Flak! Flak!"

America and Liechtenstein ran in and around the spray of purple and blue bullets. The large aura surrounding Flandre had the appearance of that of the gates of Hell. And it was a long way from hell for those bullets to miss their mark, so each spray dodged was like a victory in battery.

"FIRE!"

Uh-uh! Not time for that. You guys wasted too much time dodging the Cranberry trap, now it's time for

"Lævateinn!"

"Holy crap! It's a laser!"

One that leaves its own trail of destruction, yes. By both human hearts were crashing through the walls of the stomach, begging to be free, and the adrenaline sent a burning sensation through the bodies. Turns out they were about to spontaneously combust.

"FIRE!"

Finally! It seemed that just landing shots at the large rotating circle with the Star of David was working well, though Flandre expressed no pain or emotion. The large mystery here is how Liechtenstein kept her beret on her head as she popped off shots.

"Four of a Kind!"

Ah, copying simple ninjutsu moves here now, are we? What did Marisa say, again? "Fireworks!"

America let out a cry and just aimed left and right at all of them, firing constantly but missing more often than not. He pulled Liechtenstein into the floor.

"This ain't working! Got any ideas?"

"What about the Spell Cards?"

"Right. Ha!"

Liechtenstein pulled out a card. "Uh... here goes! Spirit Sign. 'Fantasy Seal'!"

*farts*

 _(theme: by now the song should have taken a turn for demonic)_

"It didn't work, did it?"

"ERROR. ERROR."

"I AM ERROR."

"HE IS ERROR."

"- the fuck?"

BOOM.

Everything on screen exploded. A weird mist formed around Liechtenstein's hands. America wasn't paying attention anymore, he was too busy shooting his 98.

Liechtenstein stretched her hands out, pulled them together, and placed her palms outward. Bullets! The kinds used by everyone else around this crazy place.

"Kagome, Kagome!"

Higurashi burst through the door.

"You called?"

The three belligerents stared coldly at Kagome before shouting, in unison, "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

"Okay then..."

I'll never understand Japanese people with Canadian voices...

Though America landed more hits, Liechtenstein was seemingly doing more damage. America burst into tears and laughs after dodging a yellow orb of crap by 2 millimeters.

"Hold on! I've got a fantastic idea! Cover me!"

Liechtenstein moved closer to the demented girl as she fired. America was writing something in the background.

"Out of my way! Out of my way!"

America pushed Liechtenstein back and wound up for the pitch.

"Bicycle Card Sign! Ace of Spades!"

A "Huh?" emanated from Flandre's mouth before the Ace smacked her on the head. The firing stopped, and for now the earplugs and muffs could be safely removed. Flandre's eyes became spiraled, her mouth opened wide and happy, and she fell back into an explosion. America rolled back and shielded Liechtenstein as the largest explosion began. Naruo Naruyama caught the shot as soon as the light from the explosion reflected off of the two, and the shot soon won the Pulitzer. It wouldn't be in _Bunbunmaru,_ sadly.

A defeated Flandre lied charred and smoking in a large crater as the Remilia and Reimu burst through the door.

"'Sup, guys?"

"Wow... I can't believe it."

"Believe it."

"Well, at least it seems she'll be sleeping for a while, now."

"Yep."

"So, yeah. You guys can go now."

"Good thing, too. This story really sucks!"

"We know..." America said to the fourth wall.

Reimu unceremoniously threw America, Liechtenstein, and the sniper tower and machine gun through the portal. Everyone else was waiting for them the entire time, it turned out. Liechtenstein ran into Switzerland's arms while America moved his glasses off his nose and back, as though he were tipping his hat, at the others.

"Did you have fun?" an elated Italy asked.

"Yeah. I hope we never have to go back there, though."

Yeah... me neither...

 **Wow! So glad I finally finished this story. It sucked, I know. You might think I just read the Wiki, but no, I actually played and beat EoSD... on Hard difficulty... about a year ago. *sigh*...**

 **McRoll'd is fantastic... I can hear the real Touhou fans now... laughing at me, spitting at me, flipping me off, criticizing me, abusing the review section... it hurts**

 **actually, I don't care. Life goes on. Probably only wasted ten minutes of your day, anyways.**

 **Updated 5/26/17 :3**


End file.
